I hate to compare but.....

I don't know if it is because I am an infertile or some other reason, but I am terrible about comparing myself to others.  I love my Twitter community I have built strong relationships and truly celebrate and grieve with my sisters of infertility.  I just wish I could quit comparing myself to them.

I got my BFP for which I am so thankful.  Naturally, I won't know anything until the ultrasound which is scheduled for Valentine's day.   There are about three or four of us currently with BFPs and I constantly compare my beta numbers to theirs when I do this mine seems so low, like literally mine was seven times lower than one of the women that is currently pregnant.  I also compare my beta numbers this time to my beta number the first time and it was only half as high and that time I was pregnant with a singleton.

I'm not going to lie, I am really hoping that this time I get incredibly lucky and have two healthy heartbeats on the first scan.  I am FINE with one healthy heartbeat, but if I were able to have twins then I could finally put this crazy infertility roller coaster behind me.  For some reason I have this idea that 3 is the perfect number of children.  Honestly, any number is great and I already have one miracle so I cannot be choosy, but if it were up to me and I were able to choose and able to carry a twin pregnancy to fruition I would choose to be a "twinmom" and be give all my extra medicines away to someone else on Twitter.

The hubby isn't so sure he's ready for two more, after all we will have at least two children fifteen months apart which is pretty close in age.  I am ready though, ready for anything I just hope one if not both of my embryos is still hanging on for dear life.  I will do my best to support them and be healthy to give them the best start.

I feel so blessed.

OMB

Oh my back! Wow am I in some serious pain.  I was on the floor with the baby yesterday afternoon sitting with my legs spread talking to the RE's office about the mishap with not calling me back. I received two calls form them yesterday, both very apologetic.  At any rate, I am not holding a grudge because things are still going in the right direction.

So, I'm on the floor with the baby (who is trying to indpendantly sit up and loves to be perched between your legs for stability) talking on the phone when all of a sudden I get the worst pain in my upper back shooting up and down my left buttock!  This is a familiar pain as I had it the last time I was pregnant and tend to get severe back pain when I am placed in the examination stirrups.

This pregnancy is slightly different than the last in with Kidlet #1 I do not seem to recall being in pain this early on, but I am told that the joints loosen and this is normal.  Why are they loosening this damn early? Why does it have to hurt so badly?!  I am a partial cripple at this point and finding it very difficult to keep up with a six month old who needs to be ushered from one bouncing, noisey apparatus or suffer the consequences of a screaming and crying.  Have I mentioned that I look forward to the crawling stage?

At the point I a hoping to feel better by Saturday because generally this pain only lasts a few days. I only have Tylenol to take as it is the only "safe" medicine for pregnant women and while it does not seem to work better than your garden variety muscle relaxant I will suffer for the sake of my baby on board.

I am told that the joints remember everything so you loosen up a little quicker with the second pregnancy.  I would have to say that my swollen abdomen must remember pregnancy also, but much of that is the progesterone injections which I am still on and will be or at least another two weeks and who knows how long after that.  Again, not complaining it is all well worth it to bring another child into the world and have a sibling for my beautiful boy.  It does make me wonder how Michelle Duggar did it a whopping 19 times without falling to pieces.

Quick side note: While on the phone with the Dr.'s office I got my 3rd beta numer 1,100. I know some people's numbers are way higher and I am desperately trying not to compare.  I am sure I will be posting another entry about that some time soon.  I am scheduled to have a sonogram on Valentine's day  at 3:45pm and I am very excited albeit a little scared.

And I leave you with a little humor-the cure for a backache...so they say.

The Waiting Game

Anyone who has struggled with infertility has dealt with the dreaded wait.  Not just the two-week wait, but the wait for the phone to ring and report the results of every blood draw....every progesterone, estrogen, and beta level.

Thank the Heavens for modern technology and that we can actually leave the house because of cell phones. I cannot imagine being strapped to an old rotary dial phone at home waiting for its klaxon ring tone.

Yesterday, I visited with the good doctor's office again for my third and last beta test before moving on to the all important sonogram where you actually get to see the baby's fetal pole, yolk sac, and hopefully hear the heartbeat!  Now, one only gets to this step if you pass your third beta test which at my clinic means that it is up around 1,000 which would indicate that you have good doubling time and thus whatever is growing in the "Ute" is producing HCG which indicates viability in the beginning of life.

So, I get all dressed (in green no less, my signature color this cycle-but more on that later) leave the kidlet with the Hubby (with the promise of breakfast) and hurry to the RE in order to get back in time for conference call #1 of my husband's work day.  Side note: he has been very accommodating and while he wants this too-I do need to find someone I can trust with the baby because he cannot continue to do this watching business. {written mostly, for the Hubby if he ever gets his eyes on this blog-but it's true and I'm working on it!}.

Off I go to the RE, the waiting room is packed solid much like my deep freeze was after we got that half a cow three years ago, and it wasn't even 9am.  Thus I wait patiently in the chair for my blood draw, I tweet, I read, I tap my foot and finally they call my name and I am ushered back for a quick check of the old BP and then then take my blood and tell me they will call me later with my numbers.

Now, after the blood draw when you are at home with yourself and your thoughts...that's when the real wait begins. I try to busy myself with other things I already have a baby, who is teething no less so it really is not that hard to find something to do...like say trying to get the little nugget to nap. Now that could chew up half the day! 

The trouble with me and waiting is that I am a piss-poor waiter...I cannot handle that something is in someone else's  hands and I have no control.  For this reason I am worse with the second and third beta numbers than I am with the two week wait.  The two week wait you cannot get away from, but you can POAS (pee on a stick) and get a really good idea of how that first one is going to turn out, but for the later ones there is no way to know.

So I wait....I tap my foot, I check my phone, I obsess, I eat half the pantry.  Three o'clock rolls around...no phone call, but they said they'd call right? They have always come through on their promises and this time will be no different. Five o'clock rolls around, now even though they close at five I have gotten calls as late as six thirty. Seven o'clock rolls around, by this time I am in full blown panic and I am snapping at everyone within earshot.  My poor dog spent half the night underneath the master bed. By the time I call it a night it is evident that I will not be getting my update.  I have  no clue what has happened, but I am going to bed without a clear number in my head which is very irritating and scary.

All the thoughts of doubt seep into the crevices of my gray matter.  Thoughts such as, my numbers went down and they are waiting because the doctor as to call, but I temper that with maybe the centrifuge broke....

Right before bed I decide to email the head nurse, she has always been receptive and being that I have beaten the odds (presumably twice) once for sure she has been very accommodating.  I check my email a few times before bed, but find no reply.

This morning I wake up and the first thing I do is check my email and low and behold there is a letter from nurse Linda! I was fearful to open it, but had to.  It was a very apologetic letter, not because my beta numbers were low, but because her assistants were supposed to call patients as well and some how they must have forgotten about me.  She said to call the clinic around 10:30am and they would get back to me with my exact numbers, but she ensured me that they were over 1,000 and I would be scheduled for the next step...the sonogram!

Thank GOD!

Diaper Blowouts & Teething Biscuits & Vampires

My baby boy is growing by leaps and bounds each day!  All of my days are filled with joy, but they are also filled with stress at the moment because we are in the throws of teething which means we go from zero to "cranktastic" in no time flat.

Don't get me wrong I know the kid has to get teeth because he cannot exist on formula forever, but it would be nice if he were a little more predictable with his fussiness.  Last week we had some amazing sleeps; this week has been slightly different in many ways.  The other night we were up from 9pm to Midnight with a screaming infant who had both gas and sore gums-not a good combination...think pork sandwhich served in an ashtray it was that kind of combination. Something that you definitely do not want.

Sometimes it is so hard for me to believe that I have gotten right back on the baby making train so quickly, but it had to be this way, because I am not getting any younger and neither are my eggs.  Also my husband and I have struggled so much with infertility that we simply could not let it go much longer.  If it were not for the cancelled and converted cycle in late November it would have been even sooner.

I go in to the clinic again tomorrow for another blood draw and I am hoping for big numbers so that we can schedule the sonogram and see how the state of my uterus is doing.  I have been poked with needles so much in the past three months that I have lost track and I am still giving myself my nightly progesterone shot in the bottom.  It is all worth it to build my family though and all I have ever wanted was to be a wife and mom and now I get to be and I get to grow my family albeit it the hard way.

That is the other thing about infertility, once infertile always infertile you never quit worrying.  You worry that you you won't get the two pink lines, then you worry that your beta test won't be positive, then you worry that your beta won't double, that the sonogram wont show a heartbeat...yadda yadda...yadda.  And yet there are shows like Teen Mom and Pregnant at 16  where ladies that have no business having children are getting pregnant with ease and yet here I am and so many others in the state of infertility.

I cannot complain too much, I have been blessed beyond belief to get to the point I am currently and I am hoping that I will continue to be blessed and promise not to take it forgranted.

1/27

My beta was 92..I am beside myself with joy! I cannot believe it :) I cannot believe it and I am still so nervous but so thankful to God and to his Heavenly Angels and to all those who have prayed for me and hoped the very best for me. I truly hope that everyone in the small community of Twitter friends that I have established all get their BFPs (big fat pregnants) this year!

Thank you Lord, I will not let this little life down!