The Cat Has Left The Bag!

On April Fools day we decided that we would go ahead and announce to all of our extended family, some close family, and everyone on Facebook that we are expecting!  I knew immediately after my BFP how I would do it, and I feel blessed to have been able to do it in this manner...What manner you ask?  Well, a picture is worth a thousand words as they say...so let me just show you how I did it.

This picture elicited a big response and many thought it was an April Fool's joke, but I assured them all it was not.  I did have to field some questions about how far apart the babies would be, and it turns out that they will be 14 months apart.  I always wanted twins so we'll see how this goes..I am sure I am up for a mega challenge and I do want to do my very best to keep them separated and allow them to have their own identity.

I am already in a bit of a panic over where little Mr. will go when his sibby gets here and Mommy has to stay in the hospital for up to 3 days (I am a forced/schedule C-section due to my anatomy).  My sis should be coming in to help out, as she said she really wants to do so.  I will not allow my son to stay away from the hospital too long though or send him away to someone else's house while I have baby #2. That to me does not send a good message to him and while he will only be 14 months old, I still feel it's just not right to do.

I am sure that the masses just think that I got "magically" pregnant, but we all know that's not the case and that it took another IVF+ICSI with assisted hatching and it took over 70+ shots again.  Perhaps, one day I will share this news with my husband's family and others but for now only a select few know what we have been through to create our family.

I hate to compare but.....

I don't know if it is because I am an infertile or some other reason, but I am terrible about comparing myself to others.  I love my Twitter community I have built strong relationships and truly celebrate and grieve with my sisters of infertility.  I just wish I could quit comparing myself to them.

I got my BFP for which I am so thankful.  Naturally, I won't know anything until the ultrasound which is scheduled for Valentine's day.   There are about three or four of us currently with BFPs and I constantly compare my beta numbers to theirs when I do this mine seems so low, like literally mine was seven times lower than one of the women that is currently pregnant.  I also compare my beta numbers this time to my beta number the first time and it was only half as high and that time I was pregnant with a singleton.

I'm not going to lie, I am really hoping that this time I get incredibly lucky and have two healthy heartbeats on the first scan.  I am FINE with one healthy heartbeat, but if I were able to have twins then I could finally put this crazy infertility roller coaster behind me.  For some reason I have this idea that 3 is the perfect number of children.  Honestly, any number is great and I already have one miracle so I cannot be choosy, but if it were up to me and I were able to choose and able to carry a twin pregnancy to fruition I would choose to be a "twinmom" and be give all my extra medicines away to someone else on Twitter.

The hubby isn't so sure he's ready for two more, after all we will have at least two children fifteen months apart which is pretty close in age.  I am ready though, ready for anything I just hope one if not both of my embryos is still hanging on for dear life.  I will do my best to support them and be healthy to give them the best start.

I feel so blessed.

The Waiting Game

Anyone who has struggled with infertility has dealt with the dreaded wait.  Not just the two-week wait, but the wait for the phone to ring and report the results of every blood draw....every progesterone, estrogen, and beta level.

Thank the Heavens for modern technology and that we can actually leave the house because of cell phones. I cannot imagine being strapped to an old rotary dial phone at home waiting for its klaxon ring tone.

Yesterday, I visited with the good doctor's office again for my third and last beta test before moving on to the all important sonogram where you actually get to see the baby's fetal pole, yolk sac, and hopefully hear the heartbeat!  Now, one only gets to this step if you pass your third beta test which at my clinic means that it is up around 1,000 which would indicate that you have good doubling time and thus whatever is growing in the "Ute" is producing HCG which indicates viability in the beginning of life.

So, I get all dressed (in green no less, my signature color this cycle-but more on that later) leave the kidlet with the Hubby (with the promise of breakfast) and hurry to the RE in order to get back in time for conference call #1 of my husband's work day.  Side note: he has been very accommodating and while he wants this too-I do need to find someone I can trust with the baby because he cannot continue to do this watching business. {written mostly, for the Hubby if he ever gets his eyes on this blog-but it's true and I'm working on it!}.

Off I go to the RE, the waiting room is packed solid much like my deep freeze was after we got that half a cow three years ago, and it wasn't even 9am.  Thus I wait patiently in the chair for my blood draw, I tweet, I read, I tap my foot and finally they call my name and I am ushered back for a quick check of the old BP and then then take my blood and tell me they will call me later with my numbers.

Now, after the blood draw when you are at home with yourself and your thoughts...that's when the real wait begins. I try to busy myself with other things I already have a baby, who is teething no less so it really is not that hard to find something to do...like say trying to get the little nugget to nap. Now that could chew up half the day! 

The trouble with me and waiting is that I am a piss-poor waiter...I cannot handle that something is in someone else's  hands and I have no control.  For this reason I am worse with the second and third beta numbers than I am with the two week wait.  The two week wait you cannot get away from, but you can POAS (pee on a stick) and get a really good idea of how that first one is going to turn out, but for the later ones there is no way to know.

So I wait....I tap my foot, I check my phone, I obsess, I eat half the pantry.  Three o'clock rolls around...no phone call, but they said they'd call right? They have always come through on their promises and this time will be no different. Five o'clock rolls around, now even though they close at five I have gotten calls as late as six thirty. Seven o'clock rolls around, by this time I am in full blown panic and I am snapping at everyone within earshot.  My poor dog spent half the night underneath the master bed. By the time I call it a night it is evident that I will not be getting my update.  I have  no clue what has happened, but I am going to bed without a clear number in my head which is very irritating and scary.

All the thoughts of doubt seep into the crevices of my gray matter.  Thoughts such as, my numbers went down and they are waiting because the doctor as to call, but I temper that with maybe the centrifuge broke....

Right before bed I decide to email the head nurse, she has always been receptive and being that I have beaten the odds (presumably twice) once for sure she has been very accommodating.  I check my email a few times before bed, but find no reply.

This morning I wake up and the first thing I do is check my email and low and behold there is a letter from nurse Linda! I was fearful to open it, but had to.  It was a very apologetic letter, not because my beta numbers were low, but because her assistants were supposed to call patients as well and some how they must have forgotten about me.  She said to call the clinic around 10:30am and they would get back to me with my exact numbers, but she ensured me that they were over 1,000 and I would be scheduled for the next step...the sonogram!

Thank GOD!

Diaper Blowouts & Teething Biscuits & Vampires

My baby boy is growing by leaps and bounds each day!  All of my days are filled with joy, but they are also filled with stress at the moment because we are in the throws of teething which means we go from zero to "cranktastic" in no time flat.

Don't get me wrong I know the kid has to get teeth because he cannot exist on formula forever, but it would be nice if he were a little more predictable with his fussiness.  Last week we had some amazing sleeps; this week has been slightly different in many ways.  The other night we were up from 9pm to Midnight with a screaming infant who had both gas and sore gums-not a good combination...think pork sandwhich served in an ashtray it was that kind of combination. Something that you definitely do not want.

Sometimes it is so hard for me to believe that I have gotten right back on the baby making train so quickly, but it had to be this way, because I am not getting any younger and neither are my eggs.  Also my husband and I have struggled so much with infertility that we simply could not let it go much longer.  If it were not for the cancelled and converted cycle in late November it would have been even sooner.

I go in to the clinic again tomorrow for another blood draw and I am hoping for big numbers so that we can schedule the sonogram and see how the state of my uterus is doing.  I have been poked with needles so much in the past three months that I have lost track and I am still giving myself my nightly progesterone shot in the bottom.  It is all worth it to build my family though and all I have ever wanted was to be a wife and mom and now I get to be and I get to grow my family albeit it the hard way.

That is the other thing about infertility, once infertile always infertile you never quit worrying.  You worry that you you won't get the two pink lines, then you worry that your beta test won't be positive, then you worry that your beta won't double, that the sonogram wont show a heartbeat...yadda yadda...yadda.  And yet there are shows like Teen Mom and Pregnant at 16  where ladies that have no business having children are getting pregnant with ease and yet here I am and so many others in the state of infertility.

I cannot complain too much, I have been blessed beyond belief to get to the point I am currently and I am hoping that I will continue to be blessed and promise not to take it forgranted.

1/27

My beta was 92..I am beside myself with joy! I cannot believe it :) I cannot believe it and I am still so nervous but so thankful to God and to his Heavenly Angels and to all those who have prayed for me and hoped the very best for me. I truly hope that everyone in the small community of Twitter friends that I have established all get their BFPs (big fat pregnants) this year!

Thank you Lord, I will not let this little life down!