I knew that breastfeeding would be a challenge and heard from other mother's that it wasn't easy and that your nipples bled sometimes, or that they could become ulcerated and even get staff infections. I still thought it would be best for me to go ahead and try.
The second night of my baby's life I was told that he tested positive for jaundice and that he would have be under the bililight because it can be dangerous if their biliruben gets too high. He was given horrendous goggles and left in his bassinet washed in the beam of the bililight. His startle reflex was so great that he had a terrible time and I, being a first time mom thought he was cold. So, I was on pins and needles all night long and eventually just put him on my chest and put the bililight on both of us. So, if some day I develop Cancer we'll know where that came from.
We were encouraged to take him out every three hours and feed him around the clock to push the biliruben out of his system. The problem was that the jaundice makes the babies very sleepy and B was no exception. I tried o breastfeed him but he got very frustrated with the amount I was able to give him (just colostrum) was not enough. He was losing weight and that is not a good sign with babies that suffer from jaundice. So we were told to provide him with supplemental formula feeding via an SNS bottle.
The SNS bottle was terribly difficult to use and feeding our infant son became a two man job. It was nearly impossible to do which meant that not just one of us was sleep deprived, but both of us were. Share the wealth as they say! The reason the SNS bottle is a two man job is because you basically tape the hose from the bottle to your breast, pin the bottle to your shirt and then you have to try to get the food into the babies mouth and get him to suck at the breast at the same time...it was next to impossible and I will not be doing this again.
When we were released from the hospital I rented a pump and did everything I could to ensue that my baby was healthy and fed from my body, but in the end after trying with everything I had which including taking Fenugreek and making lactation cookies complete with brewer's yeast. I was told by my doctor (yes, my doctor) that I was unable to supply enough nourishment and that my milk supply would most likely not increase. If I gave it EVERYTHING I had and diligently pumped every 2 hours the most I could get in a 24 hour span was 6oz. A door mouse is not going live on 6oz of food a day, so with the advice of my doctor and plenty of tears shed on my part...I threw in the nursing pads and returned the pump.
Before, I "gave up" we did do an investigation. I was to go home with my babe and feed him only from my body without supplementation for a period of 24 hours in which time I was to bring him back into the clinic to get weighed. In the time between our leaving the clinic and bringing him back he had lost 1oz instead of gaining as babies are supposed to do in those first few crucial days and weeks. It was at that time when my doctor said "give up the ghost".
I only managed to feed my baby from my body for one month of his life. However, I did the best that I could do. It is all together possible that the same culprit that caused my fertility issues also caused my breastfeeding issues and that is Estrogen. My estrogen is quite low when we started this wild IF journey we found it was .61 which is pretty low and even my periods are short like three days. It's not out of the realm of possibility that this was affecting my milk supply as well.
I felt terrible about not being able to be the soul provider for my child; I cried a river of tears and my husband joined me and then brought me a paddle. In the end, I am a proponent of breastfeeding, but you can only do what you can do. If you are truly unable to breastfeed then that is the way it has to be, sometimes you just have to give up the ghost.
I have my ultrasound in four days and it is becoming very real that I may just very well be a Mommy of two under two! I am excited and elated and I hope and pray that this ultrasound will show us a healthy baby. I will attempt to do the same for number two that I did for number one and try to give my baby breast milk, but I will not be revisiting that damn SNS bottle, nor the negative feelings that come with not being able to feed my child.
I might also mention that I had to have a Cesarean which can also cause issues with breastfeeding and milk supply....I think I was doomed from the beginning. However, my baby is healthy, he is happy, he is well adjusted and has hit all the milestones for his age. So, I refuse to let myself feel bad about not being able to breastfeed him... I didn't cloth diaper either-bad mom alert!
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