The Cat Has Left The Bag!

On April Fools day we decided that we would go ahead and announce to all of our extended family, some close family, and everyone on Facebook that we are expecting!  I knew immediately after my BFP how I would do it, and I feel blessed to have been able to do it in this manner...What manner you ask?  Well, a picture is worth a thousand words as they say...so let me just show you how I did it.

This picture elicited a big response and many thought it was an April Fool's joke, but I assured them all it was not.  I did have to field some questions about how far apart the babies would be, and it turns out that they will be 14 months apart.  I always wanted twins so we'll see how this goes..I am sure I am up for a mega challenge and I do want to do my very best to keep them separated and allow them to have their own identity.

I am already in a bit of a panic over where little Mr. will go when his sibby gets here and Mommy has to stay in the hospital for up to 3 days (I am a forced/schedule C-section due to my anatomy).  My sis should be coming in to help out, as she said she really wants to do so.  I will not allow my son to stay away from the hospital too long though or send him away to someone else's house while I have baby #2. That to me does not send a good message to him and while he will only be 14 months old, I still feel it's just not right to do.

I am sure that the masses just think that I got "magically" pregnant, but we all know that's not the case and that it took another IVF+ICSI with assisted hatching and it took over 70+ shots again.  Perhaps, one day I will share this news with my husband's family and others but for now only a select few know what we have been through to create our family.

NT Scan Results Are In

If you are NOT an older mom, or considered AMA (Advanced Maternal Age) you may be unfamiliar with the NT scan.  I will attempt to explain it. The NT scan is an acronym for Nuchal Translucencey and it is a test that is administered when the Mom to be is approximately 11-13 weeks along in her pregnancy.

This test is at the beginning of the line of tests that helps in determining if the child being carried will suffer from Downs Syndrome  or other similar chromosomal abnormalities.  It entails a sonogram, which will be one of the first if not the first that is "above ground" or rather...not vaginal.  Yes, Ladies that's correct you have graduated to the stomach sonogram! If you have been through an IUI or an IVF cycle then you will definitely appreciate this momentous occasion!  The test is also accompanied by a simple blood draw that helps the test to be more conclusive.


As I stated this test is the first in the line of diagnostic tests or maybe I should say discovery tests when it comes to certain chromosomal abnormalities.  If for any reason the tests do not come out in a favorable fashion or they seem to be leaning towards the indication that there could potentially be something wrong with the fetus then you can get a more invasive test performed such as the CVS (chronic villi sampling, or an amniocentesis).  While, this test does have a fair bit of information....any test can lead you astray and people have been known to have findings that seemed to point one way and turned out another. So, if something should happen during your NT test, try to remain calm and wait for more information. Pregnant women don't need anymore stress than absolutely necessary.

Okay, so back to the NT scan in particular basically they look at some features of the developing baby. One being the nose bridge, it was important for my doctor to see a prominent nose bridge with my pregnancies and thankfully the Polish side of the family does not disappoint!  The other bit of information that they look for is the fluid in the back of the baby's neck. They are looking for a certain measurement.  I am not a doctor nor a sonographer so I do not understand the exact measurements they are looking for, and I will not pretend to know. I am just a woman who has been blessed with two pregnancies. I will include a few links for your further investigation.  Wikipedia has a fairly decent and easy to understand write up about the procedure which can be found.here.  Additionally, there is a good resource at this website.

My doctor seemed to think everything looked fine for baby #2 and the blood test results came back yesterday and they were "normal".  Yippee!

Everytime my kid meltsdown...I eat a cookie

This cannot end in a good way for me or my efforts to not gain an additional forty pounds during this pregnancy.  So my first child is "spirited".  He's been a tough baby from the get-go, I think and let's face it if I think so then it's reality.  People on face book (neighbors/family) make comments all the time about his smiling face and what a happy baby he is, but the truth is he's happy when he's thoroughly entertained and if he's not happy  he's carrying a pitched fork and donning a forked tongue.

His Grandmother always says 'oh I love his personality', um sure you do! I'm not about to post a bad picture of him or a screaming picture of him on face book her to take (20 seconds after I post it-she's quick on the draw) for her or anyone else to slather all over their face book.

Anyway,  the simple fact is that I have to find a way to stop eating my emotions because right now...my current plan of screamfest=cookie is NOT working!  I can possibly get away with it for the next 7 months as I am with child #2 (and probably final child-2 is after all a nice and wonderfully prime number* yes it's PRIME). 

Emotional eaters unite! I definitely have to find a better way..maybe eating carrot sticks? That just doesn't sound as fun though!  Oh well, so far I'm doing okay...after all there is no way I can eat more than say...two dozen cookies as the recipe only made that many!  Blech

Oh Happy Day!

This Valentine's day needs to go on record as being the best to date!  I was showered with gifts, too many really...but my husband was making up for anniversaries and birthdays...it's been a wild ride since last July when we had our baby.  Still it was way too much and I am way too spoiled, but I am not in any way complaining!

My hubby got me some beautiful jewelery charm beads for my bracelet, a necklace, earrings, flowers, and chocolate!  We got takeout Maggianos and oh my Heaven was it good!   I am always pleased with their food though, we have our favorites and the Rigatoni D never disappoints!

So now the update that everyone is waiting for...everyone would be all of my ZERO readers!  The sonogram showed one perfect heartbeat hammering away at 136 bpm (beats per minute) we are relieved and pleased!  My RE came into the room and shared with me, after two pregnancies that I am in fact the highest FSH and lowest AMH combination that he has ever had success with in terms of pregnancy with their own eggs via IVF..  Now, please realize that my doctor is no newbie this man has been in the field of reproduction for twenty-five years! He said I am incredibly blessed and God must want me to have babies because statistically this should not be happening.  He was beyond words and we have defied Science not once, but twice.  I will not feel completely out of the woods until our second little miracle is here, but hearing the heartbeat and seeing that sweet little flicker was a very good sign!  I will not be announcing to the family until after the first trimester, so just my sister and her best friend who both prayed for me know...and approximately 375 followers on Twitter.

 I feel so blessed, there are no words so I will leave this entry with a picture instead because as they say...pictures are worth a thousand words!

Sorry about the quality of the picture, it's a picture of a picture because that is the best I could do on such short notice. While I do have a scanner...I chose the path of least resistance!

Thank you Lord

Breast Feeding Debacle

So as I sit here and contemplate my second pregnancy (still shocked when I say or type this) I am left with a bittersweet feeling about breastfeeding.  When B was born I was not sure if I wanted to go the route of breastfeeding or not, but then when I held him in my arms for the first time and peered into his sweet face I knew that I wanted to give him everything I could love, nourishment, safety the whole nine.

I knew that breastfeeding would be a challenge and heard from other mother's that it wasn't easy and that your nipples bled sometimes, or that they could become ulcerated and even get staff infections.  I still thought it would be best for me to go ahead and try.

The second night of my baby's life I was told that he tested positive for jaundice and that he would have be under the bililight because it can be dangerous if their biliruben gets too high.  He was given horrendous goggles and left in his bassinet washed in the beam of the bililight.  His startle reflex was so great that he had a terrible time and I, being a first time mom thought he was cold.  So, I was on pins and needles all night long and eventually just put him on my chest and put the bililight on both of us. So, if some day I develop Cancer we'll know where that came from.

We were encouraged to take him out every three hours and feed him around the clock to push the biliruben out of his system.  The problem was that the jaundice makes the babies very sleepy and B was no exception.  I tried o breastfeed him but he got very frustrated with the amount I was able to give him (just colostrum) was not enough.  He was losing weight and that is not a good sign with babies that suffer from jaundice. So we were told to provide him with supplemental formula feeding via an SNS bottle. 

The SNS bottle was terribly difficult to use and feeding our infant son became a two man job.  It was nearly impossible to do which meant that not just one of us was sleep deprived, but both of us were.  Share the wealth as they say!  The reason the SNS bottle is a two man job is because you basically tape the hose from the bottle to your breast, pin the bottle to your shirt and then you have to try to get the food into the babies mouth and get him to suck at the breast at the same time...it was next to impossible and I will not be doing this again.

When we were released from the hospital I rented a pump and did everything I could to ensue that my baby was healthy and fed from my body, but in the end after trying with everything I had which including taking Fenugreek and making lactation cookies complete with brewer's yeast. I was told by my doctor (yes, my doctor) that I was unable to supply enough nourishment and that my milk supply would most likely not increase.  If I gave it EVERYTHING I had and diligently pumped every 2 hours the most I could get in a 24 hour span was 6oz.    A door mouse is not going live on 6oz of food a day, so with the advice of my doctor and plenty of tears shed on my part...I threw in the nursing pads and returned the pump.

Before, I "gave up" we did do an investigation. I was to go home with my babe and feed him only from my body without supplementation for a period of 24 hours in which time I was to bring him back into the clinic to get weighed.  In the time between our leaving the clinic and bringing him back he had lost 1oz instead of gaining as babies are supposed to do in those first few crucial days and weeks.  It was at that time when my doctor said "give up the ghost".

I only managed to feed my baby from my body for one month of his life.  However, I did the best that I could do.  It is all together possible that the same culprit that caused my fertility issues also caused my breastfeeding issues and that is Estrogen.  My estrogen is quite low when we started this wild IF journey we found it was .61 which is pretty low and even my periods are short like three days.  It's not out of the realm of possibility that this was affecting my milk supply as well.

I felt terrible about not being able to be the soul provider for my child; I cried a river of tears and my husband joined me and then brought me a paddle.  In the end, I am a proponent of breastfeeding, but you can only do what you can do.  If you are truly unable to breastfeed then that is the way it has to be, sometimes you just have to give up the ghost.

I have my ultrasound in four days and it is becoming very real that I may just very well be a Mommy of two under two! I am excited and elated and I hope and pray that this ultrasound will show us a healthy baby.  I will attempt to do the same for number two that I did for number one and try to give my baby breast milk, but I will not be revisiting that damn SNS bottle, nor the negative feelings that come with not being able to feed my child.


I might also mention that I had to have a Cesarean which can also cause issues with breastfeeding and milk supply....I think I was doomed from the beginning.  However, my baby is healthy, he is happy, he is well adjusted and has hit all the milestones for his age. So, I refuse to let myself feel bad about not being able to breastfeed him... I didn't cloth diaper either-bad mom alert!

Cravings or Craziness??

I never really had any cravings with B or at least not that I noticed. I mean, sure I felt as if it were a license to eat all the bad stuff that was on the "no-no" list for so long being that I am a Weight Watchers Alum.  There were always certain foods that were simply not worth the points. 


This pregnancy is way different, and I even shutter when I say pregnancy because I am still not sure that it is true.  Sure, I worked for it harder than most have to, but still until I see that heartbeat I will not believe that we are really going to have a sibling for B.  With regard to this pregnancy I still am asymptomatic as far as breast tenderness, morning sickness and the like, but I do have some seriously odd cravings, am exhausted, and have mondo hip and joint pain.  I guess that isn't exactly asymptomatic afterall!

As for my cravings....chocolate milk is high on the list, not the stuff you buy, but the stuff you make with Hershey's Chocolate Syrup because for some reason while I like chocolate milk I like it very light chocolate (keep, the jokes to yourself-no not like my men.).  I have also wanted anything MEAT.  For me this is completely different from my usual high carb diet. I love pasta, and still do, but I am definitely more carnivorous than I have been in the past.  Ground beef is a high priority even if I take an iron supplement.

For breakfast, I'm having chocolate milk and a chicken  cheese and zesty bean quesadilla. Um...definitely something wrong with that picture.

My back hurts & My mood could use some help too

My back is killing me, but it is more like my entire pelvic girdle hurts.  This very same thing happened with my last pregnancy.  However, it did not happen until later in the pregnancy or at least that is the way I recall it.  The pain comes and goes and just sucks.  I had gotten better and then yesterday I started cleaning the house and then last night I realized that I had re-injured myself or caused the problem to flare up again. 

It is nearly impossible to get in and out of bed and especially hard to try and lift my almost twenty pound baby out of his crib and put him back in it at night.  I am managing but it is certainly not easy.  I am doing it ad I am making it work, but when I feel weak and feel like I just cannot do it I feel intense guilt.  I think that is how infertility goes though, it just makes you feel as if you cannot have a bad mothering day because you feel as if it is such a gift that you got to be a Mom in the first place.

My back usually does not hurt this bad for no reason.  In general, I get this kind of pain after going to ob/gyn or RE sometimes because the stirrups mess with my back alignment.  That is not the case this time, this time it had to have been brought on by the stooping and cleaning.

As you night imagine I am in a pretty lousy mood based on the back pain and the fact that all I can do is take Tylenol which honestly does not work as well as other pain meds in my estimation.  I will, however, do whatever I have to do to keep my unborn baby healthy.  Therefore, I will just continue to take the Tylenol and nothing else.  I even found some back cream that is made by Tylenol.  Just a short note to people who may be as daft as yours truly...don't think you can soak in the tub and then immediately upon getting out of the warm water apply the mentholated Tylenol cream to your back because it BURNS like the devil.  I made this mistake and will not do it again. It hurt terribly!  I had to jump in the shower to stop the burning.


Based on all that information it is probably no surprise that I have not been in the "chipperest" of moods.  In any case I have been sitting pretty still today just trying to take it as easy as possible watch some TV and keep B as entertained as possible without injuring myself worse.  This basically ended up being a day and afternoon of catching up on the DVR re-watching American Horror Story (while baby was napping) and catching up on Twitter which has become a slight bone of contention as of late.

I really adore the support that I receive and that I can provide others in our community.  Most of those on my feeds are infertile in some form or fashion who are trying for their first child, or attempting to extend their family and going through treatments again, or pursing adoption.  I do have a few who have chosen child free lives, but that was almost out of necessity it would appear.

Today on the feeds it has been rough because some people are feeling sad/bitter because they are unable to get their one child (waiting X amount of years) while some of us (myself included) are on number two or working on number two.  While I feel badly for those who struggle--I struggle too. I am just as infertile and having trouble building my family.  I have no idea how I have been able to defy the odds twice, but I hope and pray that I will continue to be able to do so.  I still worry terribly about losing the baby or having something beyond my control happen.  It is a possibility.  So as for the bitterness everyone has the right to speak their mind, but if you have a problem with people who have two children then unfollow us and keep your bitter tongue to yourself.  I mean it makes me feel guilty for being able to get pregnant...really? Shouldn't the Duggars feel guilty then...like really guilty!

OMG I ordered.....

Pee sticks..yep I ordered a pack of 25 cheapy pregnancy tests from Amazon. One of my friends from the Twitter community (Thank Heaven for it!) clued me in that there were such a thing as cheap pregnancy tests. The ones in the grocery store are quite expensive like $14.00 for two or so. I got my 25 count for about $6.00!

GUN SHY

The question is will I have the courage to use them? I'm not sure...I don't want to know the results. I'm gunshy since the last IUI fail. Naturally, I will be finding out one way or another Friday so the only question is do I want a nurse to tell me the results or do I want to find them out myself in the comfort of my bathroom-just me and God.

I would like to know and my sister is pumped to find out too I think she has everyone at her church praying for me and my husband. In fact, I still need to tell her that his sperm count was up-quite a bit! The power of prayer is a real thing!

I just don't know if I can face the results.

I'm a basketcase....

 

I am going nucking futs this cycle! As the beta draws nearer (Friday) and I sit here pregnancy symptom free I feel like I am slowly losing my mind. I am trying to remain positive, but it is really damn hard. I feel unworthy of having another child. I feel like I had my chance to have a miracle and it is a one to a customer kind of world.


I should have quit my job immediately after finding out I was pregnant..at least that way I could have enjoyed my pregnancy and not been so afraid. I was in fear of losing my job, losing the baby, and losing control of the situation. It caused me a lot of stress. It caused me to not enjoy the pregnancy and now that I have this wonderful miracle who is trying to learn how to crawl at just shy of 6 months of age I feel as if I am missing out once again because I am trying to hurry up and get pregnant again while I still can. Time is of the essence and I am almost out, if I want to use my own eggs...it makes me so nervous...it makes me a basketcase.


Embies? If you are still there...could you give Mama a sign?