My back hurts & My mood could use some help too

My back is killing me, but it is more like my entire pelvic girdle hurts.  This very same thing happened with my last pregnancy.  However, it did not happen until later in the pregnancy or at least that is the way I recall it.  The pain comes and goes and just sucks.  I had gotten better and then yesterday I started cleaning the house and then last night I realized that I had re-injured myself or caused the problem to flare up again. 

It is nearly impossible to get in and out of bed and especially hard to try and lift my almost twenty pound baby out of his crib and put him back in it at night.  I am managing but it is certainly not easy.  I am doing it ad I am making it work, but when I feel weak and feel like I just cannot do it I feel intense guilt.  I think that is how infertility goes though, it just makes you feel as if you cannot have a bad mothering day because you feel as if it is such a gift that you got to be a Mom in the first place.

My back usually does not hurt this bad for no reason.  In general, I get this kind of pain after going to ob/gyn or RE sometimes because the stirrups mess with my back alignment.  That is not the case this time, this time it had to have been brought on by the stooping and cleaning.

As you night imagine I am in a pretty lousy mood based on the back pain and the fact that all I can do is take Tylenol which honestly does not work as well as other pain meds in my estimation.  I will, however, do whatever I have to do to keep my unborn baby healthy.  Therefore, I will just continue to take the Tylenol and nothing else.  I even found some back cream that is made by Tylenol.  Just a short note to people who may be as daft as yours truly...don't think you can soak in the tub and then immediately upon getting out of the warm water apply the mentholated Tylenol cream to your back because it BURNS like the devil.  I made this mistake and will not do it again. It hurt terribly!  I had to jump in the shower to stop the burning.


Based on all that information it is probably no surprise that I have not been in the "chipperest" of moods.  In any case I have been sitting pretty still today just trying to take it as easy as possible watch some TV and keep B as entertained as possible without injuring myself worse.  This basically ended up being a day and afternoon of catching up on the DVR re-watching American Horror Story (while baby was napping) and catching up on Twitter which has become a slight bone of contention as of late.

I really adore the support that I receive and that I can provide others in our community.  Most of those on my feeds are infertile in some form or fashion who are trying for their first child, or attempting to extend their family and going through treatments again, or pursing adoption.  I do have a few who have chosen child free lives, but that was almost out of necessity it would appear.

Today on the feeds it has been rough because some people are feeling sad/bitter because they are unable to get their one child (waiting X amount of years) while some of us (myself included) are on number two or working on number two.  While I feel badly for those who struggle--I struggle too. I am just as infertile and having trouble building my family.  I have no idea how I have been able to defy the odds twice, but I hope and pray that I will continue to be able to do so.  I still worry terribly about losing the baby or having something beyond my control happen.  It is a possibility.  So as for the bitterness everyone has the right to speak their mind, but if you have a problem with people who have two children then unfollow us and keep your bitter tongue to yourself.  I mean it makes me feel guilty for being able to get pregnant...really? Shouldn't the Duggars feel guilty then...like really guilty!

I hate to compare but.....

I don't know if it is because I am an infertile or some other reason, but I am terrible about comparing myself to others.  I love my Twitter community I have built strong relationships and truly celebrate and grieve with my sisters of infertility.  I just wish I could quit comparing myself to them.

I got my BFP for which I am so thankful.  Naturally, I won't know anything until the ultrasound which is scheduled for Valentine's day.   There are about three or four of us currently with BFPs and I constantly compare my beta numbers to theirs when I do this mine seems so low, like literally mine was seven times lower than one of the women that is currently pregnant.  I also compare my beta numbers this time to my beta number the first time and it was only half as high and that time I was pregnant with a singleton.

I'm not going to lie, I am really hoping that this time I get incredibly lucky and have two healthy heartbeats on the first scan.  I am FINE with one healthy heartbeat, but if I were able to have twins then I could finally put this crazy infertility roller coaster behind me.  For some reason I have this idea that 3 is the perfect number of children.  Honestly, any number is great and I already have one miracle so I cannot be choosy, but if it were up to me and I were able to choose and able to carry a twin pregnancy to fruition I would choose to be a "twinmom" and be give all my extra medicines away to someone else on Twitter.

The hubby isn't so sure he's ready for two more, after all we will have at least two children fifteen months apart which is pretty close in age.  I am ready though, ready for anything I just hope one if not both of my embryos is still hanging on for dear life.  I will do my best to support them and be healthy to give them the best start.

I feel so blessed.

The Waiting Game

Anyone who has struggled with infertility has dealt with the dreaded wait.  Not just the two-week wait, but the wait for the phone to ring and report the results of every blood draw....every progesterone, estrogen, and beta level.

Thank the Heavens for modern technology and that we can actually leave the house because of cell phones. I cannot imagine being strapped to an old rotary dial phone at home waiting for its klaxon ring tone.

Yesterday, I visited with the good doctor's office again for my third and last beta test before moving on to the all important sonogram where you actually get to see the baby's fetal pole, yolk sac, and hopefully hear the heartbeat!  Now, one only gets to this step if you pass your third beta test which at my clinic means that it is up around 1,000 which would indicate that you have good doubling time and thus whatever is growing in the "Ute" is producing HCG which indicates viability in the beginning of life.

So, I get all dressed (in green no less, my signature color this cycle-but more on that later) leave the kidlet with the Hubby (with the promise of breakfast) and hurry to the RE in order to get back in time for conference call #1 of my husband's work day.  Side note: he has been very accommodating and while he wants this too-I do need to find someone I can trust with the baby because he cannot continue to do this watching business. {written mostly, for the Hubby if he ever gets his eyes on this blog-but it's true and I'm working on it!}.

Off I go to the RE, the waiting room is packed solid much like my deep freeze was after we got that half a cow three years ago, and it wasn't even 9am.  Thus I wait patiently in the chair for my blood draw, I tweet, I read, I tap my foot and finally they call my name and I am ushered back for a quick check of the old BP and then then take my blood and tell me they will call me later with my numbers.

Now, after the blood draw when you are at home with yourself and your thoughts...that's when the real wait begins. I try to busy myself with other things I already have a baby, who is teething no less so it really is not that hard to find something to do...like say trying to get the little nugget to nap. Now that could chew up half the day! 

The trouble with me and waiting is that I am a piss-poor waiter...I cannot handle that something is in someone else's  hands and I have no control.  For this reason I am worse with the second and third beta numbers than I am with the two week wait.  The two week wait you cannot get away from, but you can POAS (pee on a stick) and get a really good idea of how that first one is going to turn out, but for the later ones there is no way to know.

So I wait....I tap my foot, I check my phone, I obsess, I eat half the pantry.  Three o'clock rolls around...no phone call, but they said they'd call right? They have always come through on their promises and this time will be no different. Five o'clock rolls around, now even though they close at five I have gotten calls as late as six thirty. Seven o'clock rolls around, by this time I am in full blown panic and I am snapping at everyone within earshot.  My poor dog spent half the night underneath the master bed. By the time I call it a night it is evident that I will not be getting my update.  I have  no clue what has happened, but I am going to bed without a clear number in my head which is very irritating and scary.

All the thoughts of doubt seep into the crevices of my gray matter.  Thoughts such as, my numbers went down and they are waiting because the doctor as to call, but I temper that with maybe the centrifuge broke....

Right before bed I decide to email the head nurse, she has always been receptive and being that I have beaten the odds (presumably twice) once for sure she has been very accommodating.  I check my email a few times before bed, but find no reply.

This morning I wake up and the first thing I do is check my email and low and behold there is a letter from nurse Linda! I was fearful to open it, but had to.  It was a very apologetic letter, not because my beta numbers were low, but because her assistants were supposed to call patients as well and some how they must have forgotten about me.  She said to call the clinic around 10:30am and they would get back to me with my exact numbers, but she ensured me that they were over 1,000 and I would be scheduled for the next step...the sonogram!

Thank GOD!

Diaper Blowouts & Teething Biscuits & Vampires

My baby boy is growing by leaps and bounds each day!  All of my days are filled with joy, but they are also filled with stress at the moment because we are in the throws of teething which means we go from zero to "cranktastic" in no time flat.

Don't get me wrong I know the kid has to get teeth because he cannot exist on formula forever, but it would be nice if he were a little more predictable with his fussiness.  Last week we had some amazing sleeps; this week has been slightly different in many ways.  The other night we were up from 9pm to Midnight with a screaming infant who had both gas and sore gums-not a good combination...think pork sandwhich served in an ashtray it was that kind of combination. Something that you definitely do not want.

Sometimes it is so hard for me to believe that I have gotten right back on the baby making train so quickly, but it had to be this way, because I am not getting any younger and neither are my eggs.  Also my husband and I have struggled so much with infertility that we simply could not let it go much longer.  If it were not for the cancelled and converted cycle in late November it would have been even sooner.

I go in to the clinic again tomorrow for another blood draw and I am hoping for big numbers so that we can schedule the sonogram and see how the state of my uterus is doing.  I have been poked with needles so much in the past three months that I have lost track and I am still giving myself my nightly progesterone shot in the bottom.  It is all worth it to build my family though and all I have ever wanted was to be a wife and mom and now I get to be and I get to grow my family albeit it the hard way.

That is the other thing about infertility, once infertile always infertile you never quit worrying.  You worry that you you won't get the two pink lines, then you worry that your beta test won't be positive, then you worry that your beta won't double, that the sonogram wont show a heartbeat...yadda yadda...yadda.  And yet there are shows like Teen Mom and Pregnant at 16  where ladies that have no business having children are getting pregnant with ease and yet here I am and so many others in the state of infertility.

I cannot complain too much, I have been blessed beyond belief to get to the point I am currently and I am hoping that I will continue to be blessed and promise not to take it forgranted.

Yep! That's a worry-wart and my body would be breaking out with a million of these fictitious critters if it they were real. My goodness I am consumed with worry. I haven't done any housework, don't want to cook, and am having a hard time doing just about anything during this dreaded two week wait.

I have a cup of urine sitting on the counter in the bathroom and pregnancy tests in a drawer and I'm just not convinced I can do it. I'm too nervous about the possible negative results and the impact they will have on me. That's the thing about infertility...it doesn't matter if you have "beaten" it once, you always feel like it was some fluke and are conditioned by your RE office to think that. So with each new cycle the worry crops up again and the self-defeat and doubt seeps in through the very crevices of one's being. It is such bullshit!
Tomorrow it ends anyway....my beta is tomorrow. So, by the close of business (some time before 6pm) I'll know the results of the pregnancy test and decide to move on to the next cycle, rest, or quit all together. I cannot imagine quitting, but sometimes I feel like it would have been so much easier to just throw in the towel and call it quits after one miracle. How easy would that be? Too easy is the answer and not something that I long to do. Not something I will do. I need to and want to have another child. I want to give my young son a sibling, but if now is not the time then there is nothing I can do about that just as there is nothing I can do to control the results of the pregnancy test.

So, let's have a look at what's been going on and see if we can figure out what the results of the test will be based on my "symptoms".
1) No period, no bleeding whatsoever implantation or otherwise and not even a trace when a Q-tip is inserted.

2) No breast tenderness

3) My nipples may be darker, but I could be imagining things

4) Had dizziness which has since gone away

5) My sense of smell has not heightened like it did last time
6) No diarrhea which I do usually experience when Aunt Flo is on the way

7) Tiredness is not really an issue, but I have been going to bed early

8) I am as mean as cat shit (as my Mom used to say-I have no idea what that saying means) but I have been vile! I was like this last time I was pregnant.

9) Heightened anxiety, beyond any level I would have imagined.

So.....none of those symptoms seem very period-like or pregnancy-like. I guess there's still a 50/50 shot that I have embryos aboard please. I pray that I do that I can complete my family and be done with all of this.

Only my hairdresser knows.....and my sister

The truth is I have no idea what to do with this blog. I honestly don't. I am conflicted beyond belief. I initially started out thinking that I wanted a place to be myself and also to talk about my infertility and desire to have another child with round 2, but also wanted to talk about my IVF miracle baby. The problem with all of this is that it does not make a great deal of sense. How can you have a baby and be infertile?

It is almost impossible to find the right mixture of these issues to blog about and I am conflicted because I do not know if I want to put myself out there because I have never been forthcoming with my husband's nor my family (sans my sister and *hairdresser) about my infertility. I just never could fit it into a conversation. I was and still am so afraid that I will fail that I do not know anyone to see my struggle. I do not know why this would be such a problem for me though, it's not like anyone thinks I'm perfect. I mean let's be honest...that cat jumped out of the bag many years ago! There is nothing about me that is perfect, flawless, or even a horseshoe throw close to that.

So why the act? Okay, I have been trying to do the whole "fake it til you make it" with this blog. Basically, I have continued to update almost daily and thought about back logging posts. I have also tried to update and keep it light, but informative. Now what I never did was attach my blog to my Twitter account so my followers could find me, or actually put the widget that allows followers to follow me because I was too afraid that I would have no followers and I did not want to stare at the (0) followers on my page.

I understand why the infertile community would not want to follow me though. After all, I have been successful that is a jagged pill to swallow. Now, here I am again in another two week wait, and what happens if I am successful again? It would just piss off more people I am sure who would think I am merely secondary infertile-which is not the case.

Damn! I do not know what to do.